Incoherent ramblings: Part 1

So here i am, it's a rained out saturday afternoon and i'm at my laptop thinking of all the things i HAVE to do - not things i want to do, but things that need doing - and yet i really just can't be bothered by any of it.

My online identity has taken the form of apathy personified and now i'm wondering what came first: -

An absolute apathy with respect to my own life and welfare that led me to choose 'apathy personified' as a nom de plume, or

The jokingly chosen pseudonym that then became a self fulfilling prophecy

Now for the answer:
Who cares? It's not relevant at the moment, what's relevant is the tasks that need doing but just remain as part of an ever increasing list on a scrap piece of A4.

I always find it funny when people accuse me of being selfish - as i think that is one of my primary malfunctions as a person - i don't spend anytime thinking about me. I'm far more interested in what's happening to other people, in science, in business, in politics and of course in sport.

If i were interested in myself, i'm sure i'd be doing things that i think are important to me, like sorting myself out - but i'm just not interested in me, i want to learn and think about anything else except the unrecognisable figure who glares at me from inside the mirror (he's handsome though ;)) - Some of you clever people will point out that i'm being a hypocrit by writing this post, 'big deal' is my response, i'm allowed to do spend a few minutes typing a few of my thoughts - some of you will also point out that my interest in other things is in fact a selfish venture, as it only benefits me - 'rubbish' i say, interest in the activity of your species is not in itself a selfish act, it's what you do with the information afterwards that counts.

But what's my point here?
Maybe some degree of self reflection is good, knowing your own mind and what you actually want is important - Too many people rush around doing things without thinking, considering and balancing things out, they just act because that's all they know. Others don't, they just let time drift away until all passion for life has withered away and they have no heart or desire to stop themselves becoming what they once swore to themselves, on many lonely and painful nights, they'd never become.

At this point the no nonsense man in me shouts out,
'You fucking tart, go find a pair and get on with it - life's a bitch buttercup, so deal with it - what's up with all this feeling sorry for yourself and emotion?' - Self contradiction and playing personal devils advocate being continual, sometimes annoying habits of mine.

I'm actually amazed that i've managed to write so much personal stuff about me, normally i have to be quite drunk to be this honest with myself - maybe the huge quantity of coffee already drunk today has lowered by defenses slightly - anyway, back to self pity.

Is it an issue when we realise that something has gone wrong and is still going wrong, yet we do nothing? When in the few moments of personal reflection it dawns on us that we aren't the person we want to be, the person we feel we should be.

This is starting to sound like a self indulging whine - pathetic really.

I'll leave you with a comment that i know is true but can't seem to take seriously (funny how people who dish out advice never listen to themselves) - If you don't like the direction your life is going, it's up to you to change it, no one else - but be very wary for you may realise you aren't as special to humanity as you hoped you were, after all, only a few are the best, the rest of us have to remain in the indistinguishable masses of averagedom.

The conclusion to this is simple - find things that inspire you, surround yourself with people who you love and who love you and whose mere presense lifts you up no matter what mood, be honest with yourself when you think of personal objectives but most importantly live for today - no amount of procrastination can ever be recovered - this is your only life so make your existance a story worthy of telling to future generations, not just a footnote in any national census.